Disclaimer: I am not a trained psychologist or a physician.  I am not a marriage counselor or a lawyer.  Seek professional advice during any relationship breakdown.  This list is strictly for entertainment purposes.

 

1. Arrange for a new place to live and have your move out date planned down to the hour, it is important to know exactly how much time you have to work your magic.

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2.  Now that you know the exact move out date you are going to contact the utility companies and make sure that the bills are not in your name but that the bills will be forwarded to a new address.  Give them his new girlfriend's address, his bosses address, his doctor's address, his mother's address, whichever seems the best or go for all!  He'll be getting calls for weeks about his bills showing up all over the place.  If you can cancel them without him finding out then make sure the cut off date is the day after you leave.

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3.  Cancel any book, magazine, newspaper or razor of the month subscriptions that he has coming each month to the residence or divert them to the new addresses.

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4.  Contact a few companies and sign him up for their free delivery first order subscriptions. Let's go with the bacon, pork, chops and sausages subscription.   Later, if he asks why the bacon, well, Oink Oink!

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5.  If you have access to his credit cards then wait for the second last day and take yourself on a little shopping trip and buy sexy lingerie for yourself and buy him an outfit in one size too small.  Gift wrap the clothes for him and hide them until you are ready to leave.

 

6. If you have a joint account then grab some cash and book a luxury vacation to somewhere nice and sunny to lick your wounds.  Don't use a credit card for this.

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7.  Let's head to the kitchen.  Grab some garlic and grate a small batch into a bowl, grab his toothpaste and empty half of the tube into the bowl, combine and mash very fine then refill the tube.  Top up his mouthwash with the juice from the garlic and an onion.  Shake well to combine.  

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8.  The phone bill is in his name.  Time to make some sexy calls!  Dial 1-800-tramp and in a gruff voice tell them you want to chat or get a male friend to come over and make those calls for you.  Do not use your own voice.  He will be too embarrassed to fight the charges and even better get that bill to show up somewhere else where he may have to explain those charges.

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9.  Go online and order some flowers to be delivered to his new girlfriend's place with a note saying how much he can't wait to see her, using any other woman's name.

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10,  Fill up the laundry machine with the hottest water possible and his best sweaters and let them go through a few cycles before putting  them in the dryer for a few cycles on high heat.

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11.  Dust chili powder in his gym clothes and his underwear.  He's going to be working up a real sweat the next time he hits the gym.

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12. Sweep tiny amounts of sugar along all of the baseboards to attract ants and scatter a trail from the outdoors to the indoors.  Don't be too obvious.

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13. Unplug the refrigerator.

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14.  Go on every porn site you can find to get a virus on his computer.  Remember to wipe out the history.

 

15,  Refill every liquor bottle with water and the right colour food dye.

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16.  Leave every tap in the place running until you leave but make sure there are no blockages.  You want to exhaust the hot water and run up the bill not flood the place.

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17.  Turn off the water to the toilet and flush until it is dry.  Leave the water off.

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18.  Make sure there is not a lick of toilet paper, paper towels, newspaper or tissues in the place.

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19.  Throw out every other one of his shoes.

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20.  Create a flyer which reads "New Pizza Shop Opening...Contact (his first name only) with his cell number and best time to call as  5 a.m. until  11 p.m and hire a teenager to pin the flyers up around town.

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21.  Over-water every single plant.

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22.   Remove the light bulb from inside the fridge and the oven.

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23. Tape a penny to the bathroom mirror, to the back of every door, the television and to the ceiling above the bed.  Make sure they are all at eye level.  Tape as many pennies as you can everywhere so that he will be finding them for weeks.

 

24.  Contact every out of the country person that you know and have them buy a postcard to be mailed to him at work with no return address and only "a penny for your thoughts"

written on the back or send them yourself from exotic destinations.

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25.  Cut the middle button off every shirt that he owns.

 

26.   Throw out all of his razors.

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27.  Remove all bars of soap.  

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28.  Spray every sheet, blanket, pillowcase, couch, chair, cushion, curtain, jacket, shoes and boots with your favorite perfume.

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29.  Pretend to be sick the week before you leave and stay home watching as many pay per view movies as you can.

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30.  Get him to go out and stock up on a ton of groceries, remember, you are too sick to shop. You'll be taking it all except for the sour milk in the fridge and the boxes of Lucky Charms with your pictures on the inside.

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31. Crazy glue his golf balls, tennis balls and baseballs together.

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32. Take every stick of good furniture except for the bed.

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33. Leave no bags of any sort and no suitcases or boxes.

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34.  If you are leaving furniture make sure to leave two sardines stuffed down the couch. 

 

35.  Leave a potato to rot behind the oven.  

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36.  Order a small pizza with all of the toppings that he hates and leave it on the counter to get cold with a note that reads, "It's been a slice but you are no longer hot".

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37.  Fill the air conditioner with moose urine (check with a sporting goods store for this item)

 

38. Cover the backyard in white clover seeds.  He can kiss his nice lawn good-bye.

 

39.   Fill a sticky note pad with one word comments like:  Cheater-Rat-Snake-Fink-Jerk-Loser etc. and stick each one in fun spots like under the lid of the washing machine, in the medicine cabinet, in the cutlery drawer, on the plates, etc.

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40.  Cut up your couple pictures and leave him the half showing only him.

 

*If you own part of the house or if you have children with him none of the above are advisable other than cleaning out the bank accounts and getting your own place and taking the groceries.  If you are married and have children here are options you may want to consider.

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1.  Hire a private eye and get the dirt on what he is up to and with who and her details

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2. Meet with a divorce lawyer and find out what you are entitled to remove from the home and what you can do, you may want to get him to leave instead.

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3.  Get all bills into his name before leaving.

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4. Set up your own bank account and start depositing your pay directly into the

account.

 

5. Tell him you have lost your wedding rings.

 

6. Have a huge garage sale before you split up and sell as much as you can and tell him you did not get as much money.

 

7.  Start keeping cash in a safety deposit box.

 

8.  Have friends or family take the kids the day before you leave and tell him the kids are elsewhere.  Let him fight for parental rights.

 

9.  Board your pets at a kennel the day before you leave and do not tell him which one or give him the wrong kennel name.  Get the pet when you leave.

 

10.  Leave without leaving a note or having the argument.  You will have plenty of time to yell at him across the table with a lawyer protecting your best interests.

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*Only do these things if you are certain there is no saving your relationship/marriage through counseling or open and honest dialogue.