How to Deal with Mother-in-Law/Vancouver/Our Four Suitcases

How to Deal with an Interfering Mother-in-law

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You lucky gal! You have found the man of your dreams. He is perfect for you. He is sweet and kind and caring and he makes you feel like the most special woman in the world. You are both in love and the world looks all shiny and brand new. Everything is going your way! He is serious about how he feels and you are taking your relationship to that next level. It's time to meet his family.

You are excited to meet what surely must be the most wonderful woman in the world to have given birth to and raised this incredible man. You dress well and with stars in your eyes you prepare to meet his mother.

You meet the paragon of virtue with a smile of gratitude on your lips and press them against her cheek in greeting, prepared to become her new best friend or at least a new friend. She smiles at her son and then turns and gives you that smile of hers and you immediately know that in her eyes, your days with her son are numbered.

I envy those women that go golfing, go on vacation and hang out shopping with their mother-in-laws. You see those women, together, at the mall, discussing family, sharing and laughing as they link arms and stroll along together. I have seen them chatting over tea and sitting close beside each other at baby showers and wedding showers. What do they have that I could never replicate? I have been up to the plate now, twice and I am striking out in the mother-in-law department.

However, I have managed to put together a fine "Mother-in-Law" management plan. I can help you deal with that interfering woman once and for all and allow you to either move forward with or without her friendship while not risking any damage to your relationship with her son.

I have been married to the son that was the apple of his mother's eye and to the son whose mother treated him like the worm. Oddly, both of these mothers have much in common. The traits that stand out the most are that both moms are unbelievably interfering and controlling. You have to stick to your guns and create a game plan right away on dealing with these ladies. Here are some ground rules and suggestions to help you avoid a major conflict and keep both the son and the mom who does not like you;

Rule#1 She will LIE and there is nothing you can do about it because she is crafty enough to know exactly how to manipulate her son against you. She knows him far better than you do and knows how to pull on his heart strings and his insecurities. You can never tell her son that his mother is a HUGE LIAR because she has already laid the ground work to make that boomerang right back at you in a very unpleasant way. She might have suggested to him that you don't seem to like her or that you are possessive. She will be working behind the scenes craftily picking apart everything good he says about you. She has the upper hand.

Rule #2 Never openly challenge her opinions on anything. If she complains about what you wear or how you look in any way, smile, nod and ask her if she is free for lunch and shopping. That will either shut her down fast or show her that you are not taking the bait.

Rule #3 Never let her get in close. Tell her as little as possible about your family, your friends, your job and your life ambitions. I suggest chatting just about what she likes in front of her son. It shows him that you are putting your best foot forward in trying to forge a bond.

Rule#4 Do not discuss religion and politics or your relationship with this woman. These are all very charged topics and she is ready to call you out for your beliefs even if she has the exact same beliefs.

Rule #5 Always offer your assistance with meal preparations or clean up duties. If you are visiting then bring a small gift of pastries or baked goods. Even better, make those baked goods, yourself.

Rule#6 Never allow her to assist with any cleaning in your home at any time. Your laundry is off limits. The best plan is to make sure there is no unwashed clothing if she is visiting. If she insists of doing any unfinished chores or starts sneaking home your husband's ironing then start tossing your ironing in with the collection. She will eventually get the message and then stop.

Rule #7 Never gossip or listen to gossip from her. She is using gossip as a means to get a quote from you that she can later use to hurt your standing with other family members. Even agreeing with her on a complaint she makes herself about another person can land you in the hot seat.

Rule # 8 Never complain to her or anyone that she knows about her son. Any complaints from you will definitely get back to him and he will feel that he cannot trust you. She will make certain that whatever you say is taken out of context and blown up out of proportion(refer back to Rule #1).

Rule #9 She is a professional martyr. She sets herself up to look like everyone treats her poorly. She may even act like you are her favorite. It is highly likely that she makes every daughter-in-law her current favorite to drive wedges between your relationships and keep herself as the main focus. Don't buy into this act.

Rule# 10 If she complains about her son ask her to speak with him directly and let her know you do not feel it is appropriate to speak for him in any way.

Rule #11 Never allow her to take up residence for more than 5 days in your home. If you have to get her to leave then move your own mother or grandmother in for the same time period and let them know that the mother-in-law is fair game as long as your name is kept out of it.

Rule#12 Never accept any financial assistance from her or lend her any money if you can avoid it. It will come back to haunt you in the future as she will now think she has the right to comment on your financial situation or your spending, even if you are the party supplying the funds.

Remember always that this is the mother of your husband and treat her with respect. Your good behavior may change how she feels about her son's life choices. She will one day be the grandmother to your children. Trust me, she will be a fantastic grandmother. Smothering and annoying, but definitely she will dote on her grandchild. Now, the power is all yours! Don't abuse it.